My liver just broke up with me...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
