he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
