Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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