so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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