I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have feelings that need drinking.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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