oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
