Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
