Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
