How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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