Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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