Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
