Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
