I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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