I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
