You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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