im six kinds of drunk right now
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
