I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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