im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
