the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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