I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
