Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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