I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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