when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
