you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
