I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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