I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She's the barista slut.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
