Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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