There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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