I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
