I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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