I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
