Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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