i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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