I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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