Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
