I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
