Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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