I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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