Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
