grandma shit on top of the toilet
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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