just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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