The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I deserve this hangover.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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