he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
