I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Someone shit on the floor
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
