I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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