70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
