Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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