There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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