just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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