Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
