I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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