Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
