Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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