I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
